Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Calling someone with glasses βfour eyesβ isnβt an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them weβre descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back theyβll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
@ candidates for local office
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldnβt figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I donβt mean to brag, but Iβve received a lot of emails that find me well.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.