Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much