My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
An owl showing some catlike behavior.