When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
6. me as a lawyer
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician