I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey