Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”