“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*