If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Ah to hear the music of the angles!