Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.