My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”