Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
You Might Also Like
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.