Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
#dnd #ttrpg
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Human are so complicated
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.