I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
You Might Also Like
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.