I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.