[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.