*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
#Caturday
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”