Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
smh
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.