The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere