her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays