the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
You Might Also Like
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Really successful people donāt sleep much. I donāt know why I donāt sleep much.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didnāt finish your Ph.D.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue š
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HEāS A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought Iād lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: thereās no āuā in team
Canadian: weāll see about that bud
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I feel like every girl needs a āfella drawerā if you plan on having frequent guests.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’