Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”