[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop