Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures