Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*serious situation*
My brain:
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.