Pigeon open mic night.
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
incredible book dedication
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”