There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
❤️❤️❤️
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Jesus Christ lmao
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.