Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
me refusing to leave twitter
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Owl Sanctuary
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about