I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?