Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?