-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.