PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please