Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
at ease…shoulder.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The Wolf of Wall Street.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.