Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
this came to me in a vision
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”