When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
This guy’s not having it 😆
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.