Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Every work call, he judges.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!