McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
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Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Oops
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.