Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger