Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids