Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.