Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Seems kinda suspicious
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
are they though??
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…