before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The Others (2001)
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎