my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
S O O N
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!