My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
as is their right
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Practicing safe sax
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably