Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
motivation
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Current mood: Potato
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS