twitter is a journey
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena