I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?