Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Perfect
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Two types of dogs.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans