Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You Might Also Like
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight