my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture