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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.